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"Undisputed heavyweight champion." Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next time you are at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Because chickens are decent people. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. George Carlin, 29. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. And he's gotta do it with a big. The Trump administration is channeling George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." It has banned seven words and phrases from the Centers for Disease Control and . 15. Really? Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. 01. Bashful didn't use drugs. We're all fucked. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. They want your fuckin' retirement money. Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. Individualists. I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! No contest! That's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix "pre". Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. I took his shoes. Next fucking case! George Carlin Shitting on Government for 8 Minutes Straight I'm here to help. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. Don't you love that phrase? They should be more vivid. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. No. On Election Day, I stay home. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Oh, my goodness. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. You know, you, O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, There are four hundred thousand words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . Keep your circle small. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Christmas Quotes For Mothers To Make Her Day, These 10 Quotes About Best Friend Love Are Perfect For Showing Your True Colors, 118+ Inspiring Christmas Quotes For Instagram That Will Bring A Warm Glow To Your Holiday Season, Mourning Your Dogs Death With Quotes From Rainbow Bridge, 15+ Rumi Quotes On Happiness That Will Boost Your Mood, These Rumi Quotes About Depression Will Bring You Comfort. They own you. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. No problem. Enjoy! It's supposed to imply thoughtfulness or intelligence. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Feel free to reach out and connect. Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." This country is full of nitwits and assholes. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. I recently bought a book of free verse. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. God? Were so self-important. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. And if, somehow, you must join, if its unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. What exactly is viewer discretion? Its a fucking sacrilege! The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. People I can do without. Its never going to get any better. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, 39. That's generally been true. Remember that? (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. But dont participate; it will be your death. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin, 41. 47. George Denis Patrick Carlin ( May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. Here's another question I have. "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. The planet will take care of itself. A boring game for boring people. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. And just dumb enough to passively accept it., The government doesnt lie, it engages in disinformation., Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let the government and industry poison me a little bit every day., Government wants to control information and control language because thats the way you control thought, and basically thats the game theyre in., Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation., I believe the government should step in where the free market fails., Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them., A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.. Carlin got famous for his bit about the "words you can't say on television," but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. Nine years ago today we lost not only one of our better comics, but one of our most vital and intelligent voices. Am I right? Let's go for a drive OK? Dont look for it. It's an ego defense. George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. In this blog post, weve compiled some of his most compelling quotes on the subject for you to consider as well! How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? You see all, sooner or later. 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. It's convenient. ""Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. And that's the problem. Nobody goes right to work. Theyre privileges. 51. Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". Save the planet? Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. It's interested in its own power. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Why are there ten? There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in: Heated or unheated! High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure, American bullshit. They're all in favor of the unborn. Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. George Carlin on God "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. A man with only one lip. Over the years, dozens of joke lists and rants have been forwarded around the internet and misattributed to George Carlin. We think in language. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. George Carlin, 37.